How to Parent Teens?

Hint: If you are looking for answers, you won't find them here.

Day 1- February 1, 2022

My 15 year old (2 weeks shy of 16) walked out the front door in 20 degree weather with a backpack, a suitcase and a blanket poncho.

It had been a rough day yesterday.

Actually a rough year and a half, but those will be subjects of other potential blog posts.

Mal got a 3 day suspension for vaping in school. It wasn't the first time but this time they maintained their innocence, to me at least. Mal can be like a caged animal when caught, accused, reprimanded, or given constructive suggestions. They fight. They argue. They yell. And even though they have been at this school their whole life, with people that know, love and care about Mal, this was not enough.

On the way home we talked, emoted, tears were shed. There was a couple hard pounds, by Mal, on the dash board and then an eventual calm. When the calm arrived, it was like oxygen for my deprived lungs. That night we continued to talked. M took a shower and jumped in bed with me (a very rare event). I read a book out loud, and just like when she was little, she traveled to dreamland in mere minutes.

And so we slept.

And then we woke.

It was a good morning. It was a snow day. They assisted me in an art project.

And then somewhere around noon, things turned.

Fast.

The 3 day school suspension had prompted me to enact a 3 day, Mom-based, in-house, suspension, where they had to do Mom-appointed tasks. Things like; surrender their phone, and their secret phone, chores, reflect, and "swimsuit-only snow angels. (It has been a standing tradition on our snow days, to do "naked" snow angels) Needless to say, none of this got accomplished.

A conversation on Mal's bed, turned heated but I couldn't even tell you what happened. Things like: "I hate this house and your rules" (emancipation was a conversation last year), "I want to move to my friend's house."(one notoriously devoid of rules), "You try, but don't know how to love me."(suppose this is valid)

My fiery Aries temper can activate but this kid has forced me to learn the art of staying cool-ish. But when so much anger and rage are thrown, sometimes a little fireball gets deployed.

We retreated. The hurt set it. I know as a parent I am not supposed to take things personally, but man is that hard. She talked to her sister, who has remarkable Piscean calming abilities. I did dishes. 15 minutes later, Mal wanted to talk. I was not ready and told them so.

Next thing I know, Mal has their bags packed and started to walk the 2.4 miles to their "Baba's" house, phoneless.

How did I react?

I was stoic, firm, carried some subtle reactive energy but encouraged her. We have fought before. Once she walked to"Baba's" house in 40 degree weather with no shoes and short sleeves.

This time, however, feels different.

The door closed and I cried. A lot.

I wish I didn't get so hurt by their "Mal-ness" but it is always so shocking to my system how this kid I raised can look at me with such despise without a hint a softness.

They made it safe to the other house.

How did we get here?

I ask this question all the time. Mal's Dad died September of 2020. He and I had been apart for 5 years, but he and Mal had a very close relationship.

Since his passing there has been a rapid change. To see pictures of Mal at the beginning of 2020 and the end of 2020 are shocking. Granted, this is a profound year of change for many at this age, but sometimes Mal is unrecognizable.

The combination of grief, Covid and the intensity of teen years have all played significant roles.

Up until 14, Maliha was the most energetic, non stop, in-her-body, constant motion being I had ever witnessed. It was entertaining as it was beautiful. She was messy as she was graceful, she was fearless as she was gorgeous. She had always held a lot of energy, some didn't know how to handle it, heck sometimes I didn't know how to handle it. Some would advise me to "medicate". I never did, but instead tried to help channel the energy. Trampolines and competitive cheerleading where incredibly helpful during these times.

Then her Dad died. She switched her pronouns to he/ they, changed her name to "Mal" (easily angered if I use her dead name "Maliha"), went full "emo", had suicide attempts, cutting, vaping, eating issues, body dysmorphia, picking up and smoking used cigarettes, constant self piercing and tattooing and had dyed their hair so much that her once beautiful locks have turned to short, crispy stands. Luckily, as of right now, there has been no substance abuse in terms of alcohol or drugs. (Addendum- there were drugs, lots of drugs) They have been "diagnosed" with anxiety, bi-polar depression and BPD. It was, and is hard, to watch her scar and treat her body this way. Yet, I have never walked the street with anyone who gets more compliments from strangers as my 6 ft tall, emo-goth boy, beauty.

Now some of this is just Mal. Just who they are and always will be. I love this about them, daring and brave in their own way.

Understanding

Don't let the heading mislead you, I don't understand, but not for lack of trying. I am one that likes to know what I am working with in order to love and understand people better. I am a lover of astrology, Human Design and numerology. The doctors I consult generally reside outside traditional offices. I have tried to understand Mal to the best of my abilities. Since the day she was born, I have tried to study and witness the uniqueness of her and because of this research, many of their actions are not a total surprise. I also know that last year and this next year will be some of their darkest times.

What Now

I have felt like a failure, constantly. Questioning... what did I do wrong? But this never lasts because I get motivated to try something different. Experiment. I know from the broader perspective that these things are NO accident and that we are NOT victims of circumstance. There is a much bigger plan at play, I feel it. It is my challenge as much as it is Mal's challenge and we are in this life together. We chose it.

And in this very moment, it looks like our togetherness may require space.

But, as much I want to at times, I will never give up on my kid.

I may not know what to do exactly but I will always seek to see and understand to the best of my abilities.

*word about pronouns. You will notice I bounce between she and they. I usually refer to Maliha and "she/ her" pronouns to the time before 14. "Mal and "they/them" for after 14